My Little Cloney

The BBC reports that clones are people, too. Even if Dubya bans stem cell research today -- sooner or later, men and women will find a way to keep tinkering with nature for commercial purposes and individual gain.

As far as I'm concerned, biotech is just space-age eugenics in disguise. I've written about this matter before.

Here is my letter to my clone, should he ever walk the face of this earth.

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Listen here, clone.

Yes, I'm talking to you, or is that me, version 2.0?

We got some shit to discuss. You see, clone, some folks operate under the notion that "if they had to do it all over again" they'd do things differently.

I don't subscribe to that notion, but here are a few rules that might benefit the little clone drones of the future.

1. I'm not going to tell you not to smoke, not to drink, not to do drugs, not to pick up truckers, not to do all sorts of shit I've done that I now regret. You're a big clone now, and you can make your own fucked-up decisions and live with the consequences. Just do your best to remain charming, gracious and never, ever let a door slam in a lady clone’s face. You might be a carbon copy, meddling, gossipy, pseudo badass, but don't you ever, ever, forget your manners.

2. If you can't pay for it, you don't need it. That's my financial advice to you, my dear clone. Once I fade from existence, you'll have a sizeable inheritance of useless bric-a-brac that some vacuous, trendy asshole in art school will find cool and worth a fistful of coins. You might make enough to get half-way to somewhere.

3. Find a place to live that's not infested with crazy white people.

4. The most important thing, my little duplicate, is that you understand that winning, no matter what the cost, leaves you morally bankrupt. That's worse than Shrimp flavored Ramen noodles accented with Long John Silver's tartar sauce. Trust.

5. Idle hands are one thing, but if your mind is idle -- or addled -- I will come back from the grave, take off my Payless buy-one, got-one-free shoe and hit you upside your head 'til you start thinking again.

6. Don't go to college 'til you are grown and can handle the responsibility of critical thinking. Fuck around, make friends, learn some responsibility, travel and engage you mind in activities that do not center on bongs and keggers. Most importantly, move! Move far away from what you know and learn something new. Challenge yourself. It will make you appreciate what you had growing up in that Petri dish. Most notably: air conditioning, a constant source of nutrients and trained health care professionals.

7. The world is full of misunderstood people. They make plenty of mistakes, as do you. That doesn't mean you can trust them with your debit card, but you can trust they're getting by the best way they know how. There's always room for improvement.

8. Loyal, caring, decent, hard-working friends are the best investment you'll ever make.

9. A bad mood is just as fleeting as a good mood. In my case, the bad ones have just been more memorable. I hope you have better luck with that.

10. My dear little clone, you are not destined to repeat my mistakes. Just make sure you don't keep repeating yours.