State of the Union

Last night, the president of the United States spoke about what’s up in America.

It was no easy task. The gays are (still) destroying marriage in this country (never mind the antics of dim-witted, skanky hetero celebs). We're engaged in a war overseas; at home -- personal liberties are being threatened (from the left and the right); gruesome violence is erupting in every little hamlet of this great country; we're massively in debt and lots of folks have no health insurance.

Whoa, dude! That's a lot to think about. So before I sat down to watch Dubya's annual address, I zipped over to the store to stock up on a few nibbly-gnoshy treats to help dull the inevitable pain that comes from attentively listening to that man talk for a whole hour.

I have to admit I was a bit appalled standing in the line at the grocery store, waiting to check out. Every where I turned, magazine racks were overflowing with stories about Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, each coping (so bravely, I might add) with personal situations that seem to pale in light of the overwhelming political and social issues that face this country.

With this in mind, I’ve decided to provide a little pop-culture translation of the president's address for those readers who may only be aware of certain celebrity's self-created, trifling-bullshit magazine-selling melodramas. Oh, and the state of various unions, be they committed long-term relationships....or unions torn apart by the ubiquitous forces of evil...

The State of the Union

Introductions and a mention of a beloved, graceful, courageous black woman and her unnamed "husband..."

Courageous Black Folks: XXX:State of the Union starring Ice Cube and a black woman, back in the studio, still on drugs, husband unnamed, as well...

Dubya is humbled by national mourning and national achievement.

National Mourning: Bennifer National Achievement: Rostrum is a "book-learning" kinda word (thanks, Condi!)

Government means differences, anger, but together we will make it stronger.

Divorces, Differences and Anger: Humiliated Jennifer Aniston Moves On, Vince Vaughn Moves In

This country has so much character that we'll never retreat from our duties in the hope of an easier life...

Retreating from Our Duties: He knows what that means, for sure! Learn more about Bush's National Guard duty (or lack thereof) here, here, here, and just to be fair....here.

Bush calls out those who oppose him - saying he has misguided idealism...

Misguided Idealism: Tabitha doesn't want a sibling - she wants a pony! Instead, she gets a new daddy (Dick Sargent's first appearance as Darrin)

A little bit of history about the hopeless dream of lonely democracies....

Speaking of Hopeless Dreams and Lonely Advocates of Democracy: Helen Thomas snubbed by Bush again.

Fear, heartless, totalitarian control and a mention of London...

Madonna: Mirror of America 2001: Drowned World 2006: Loving Bon Jovi, Hating Elton John

...we will never surrender to evil.

Surrender to Evil: Tabitha plots to destroy the lives of happy, heterosexual couples -- this (and every week) on NBC's Passions

America faces an evil empire...whose day will come.

Evil Empires: George Lucas fucked everything up...

...terror and institutions...

Learn More about Institutions: Oscar-winner Angelina Jolie acts crazy in Girl, Interrupted.

...allies in the cause of freedom....

Allies in Freedom: Misfits and Midgets! Learn more about Carrie Fisher and Kenny Baker (the loveable R2-D2)!

In less than three years, that nation has gone from dictatorship, to liberation, to sovereignty, to a constitution, to national elections.

Interested in Politics? Reese Witherspoon lights up the screen in 1999's Election. Interesting note: this movie also features Sarah Jessica Parker's husband!

....decisions will be made by our military commanders...not by elected officials...not by you!

WarGames: Sarah Jessica Parker's husband's film debut revealed that military commanders don't make decisions about war and the future of this country. Teenagers and super-computers do, silly!

...something about good advice....

Good Advice: Sarah Jessica Parker's Carrie Bradshaw dishes it out on HBO on Demand!

...second-guessing is not a strategy.

It worked for what? Six seasons? How many times did Sarah Jessica Parker "refuse to acknowledge" her love for Mister Big?

...pledge from America means little....

Pledges That Mean Little: Alright, enough, already... I know...

...a marriage ends (due to death) and fighting from house to house in a maze of streets...

Will They or Won't They?: Mr. And Mrs. Smith Available now on DVD

...hope of all humanity.

The Hope of All Men: Dudes wanna score dates with Jessica Alba and Angelina Jolie

And our nation hopes one day to be the closest of friends with a free and democratic Iran.

Friends Forever! Not so much, according to NBC executive.

...poverty, corruption and despair are sources of terrorism, organized crime, human trafficking and the drug trade.

Poverty, Corruption, Despair, Organized Crime, Human Trafficking and the Drug Trade: Watch Oscar-nomiated Crash, starring the red-hot Ryan Phillipe, pictured here with his wife: award-winning Reese Witherspoon!

Do it my way or we'll dull the conscience of our country.

Dulled and Conscious: Gwyneth Paltrow "I think it is sort of funny how you have to be doing coke off the ass of some stripper to be perceived as not boring these days."

Our country must also remain on the offensive against terrorism here at home. The enemy has not lost the desire or capability to attack us. Fortunately, this nation has superb professionals in law enforcement, intelligence, the military and homeland security. These men and women are dedicating their lives to protecting us all, and they deserve our support and our thanks. They also deserve the same tools they already use to fight drug trafficking and organized crime, so I ask you to reauthorize the Patriot Act.

The problem in 2001 was connecting the dots of the conspiracy.

Connect the Dots: La-la-la-la....In 2001, your tax dollars were used to raid Pee-Wee Herman's house and to arrest him for owning vintage erotica.

American leaders from Roosevelt to Truman to Kennedy to Reagan...

History: Bored Now..... We'll resume after this America is great commercial.... About 10 minutes or so...

.Resuming with $880 billion in tax savings (mostly for the rich!)

Quick Question: America's Deficit Last Year: $335 billion Uncollected Taxes: $880 billion Ummmm...this is a good thing?

...good stewards of the economy....

Not-So-Good Stewart: Patrick Stewart - the voice of Bambi's father (the Great Stag of the Forest) coming straight to DVD in Bambi II

...baby boomers turn 60, including two of my dad's favorite people: me and President Bill Clinton.

Not-So-Favorite Old Person: Jimmy Carter "...almost every decision made in Washington since 2000 has favored the wealthy, often at the expense of middle-class working families and the needy....

Dubya talks about the immigration system which serves the interests of our economy...

Immigrants Can Also Serve You Breakfast and Clean Your House! You'll be "wowed" by the realness of Academy-Award nominated Crash (starring Sandra Bullock)

...healthcare sucks....not a single OB-GYN to be found...medical liability reform is needed this year.

Some OB-GYN's Are Cashing In: Jolie's fetus featured on the cover of the National Enquirer! Coz your mind needs to know!

America is addicted to oil...

Addiction: Kentucky Burbon White Powder Black Magick

...alternative energy sources, incredible advances, revolutionary technologies...hybrids...talent and technology of America...

Revolution and Hybrids: Revisit the past, hopeful for a new future! Learn more about inter-species breeding with aliens, too!

...human talent and creativity...our nation's children...children are the future....teach them well....let them lead the way.....I'm gonna keep my baby...ohhhhh...

Oh, fuck the kids, the future is nanotechnology, supercomputing...

Attention Earthlings: The future is now! Join with us for a better tomorrow...today...or else!

...Still, we can leave no Child Behind...

Left Behind Children : Babies in wells get married, too... Children of politicians are lonely & unhappy

America has become a more hopeful nation...but we must not redefine marriage...children in our society who need direction and love...treatable disease.

...prove the pessimists wrong...

...shout out to Sandra Day O'Connor....

Other Important Sandras: Bullock and Bernhard. Touching moments with immigrants and The Woman I Might Have Been

...human cloning in all its forms, creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human-animal hybrids and buying, selling or patenting human embryos. Human life is a gift from our creator and that gift should never be discarded, devalued or put up for sale.

...young people should stay in school so more of America's youth can raise their sights and achieve their dreams.

Will we turn back, or finish well?

Did someone say well?

Bush is Confident of victories to come.

Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless America.