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January 12, 2006
What Would You Do?
I read a version of this story today and I wanted to ask all y'all - what would you do?
- - - -
It's a lovely day and...really...all you want to do is get away from it all. So you jump on your bike, grab your laptop, your camera and head on down to the wi-fi hotspot on the riverfront.
You've got some photos to take, some entries to write and something scenic to admire. So, there you are, smoking your cigarette, reading your latest, clever little entry, feeling happy and smug, sipping your Americano (there's a floating Starbucks upstream) and ***suddenly*** you hear a cry for help.
Egads! What's happening?
So, you look beyond your flat panel and you see someone is in the water, splashing about - arms flailing - in desperate need.
Trouble is...you never learned to swim.
Do you simply sit there, watching someone drown? Do you call for help? Do you take a picture? Do you Google drowning? Or do you close up your super stylish Powerbook and walk away, determined that someday soon -- you'll take swimming lessons. You'll blog about all this later, of course...it was such a dramatic experience, after all.
Let's suppose that you do, indeed, know how to swim -- or perhaps you don't, but you simply have to do something -- so you make your way to the water's edge. Once you get there, you notice that upstream, there's more people thrashing about, drowning, in need of help. The current is swift, so they're headed you way.
At this moment you can count the number of people that need to be saved, you can call for help or you could just try to start saving people.
Perhaps you take one more moment and notice that there's a man on the floating Starbucks pushing people off the boat and into the water.
Do you save the drowning, or is it their own damn fault for not knowing how to swim? Do you stop the man from pushing folks off the boat? Do you try to prevent more people from going near that man or near that Starbucks? Or do you do nothing?
Seriously....what would you do?
1. Call 911 or have someone else call.
2. Attempt to stop the man throwing people into water. As long as he's doing that, the problem of people in the water will only get bigger. Throw something at him, yell at everyone else near him to push *him* in, shoot him, whatever. Get others to help you.
3. With that help you've got, try to save the people in the water as best you can until authorities arrive. Maybe someone else around knows how to swim, or--heck--you're on the riverfront. Any rope lying around?
PS: What's a floating Starbuck's?
I'd call Jeffrey, 'cause he's on point.
I would call Channel 2, 4, 5, AP, KMOX, the Post and Ladue News and tell them about this exciting new story. Tell them that you will begin to try rescuing people in 20 minutes in order to wait for them to arrive to document it. If someone else comes along looking like they are going to help, send them on foot to the City Police Station to get help.
My headache just came back.
Well, I can't swim, so that much is true. So I'm not getting wet.
I'd call for help on my cell phone. But that's about it. I can't get involved.
Besides, what kind of pinheads stand around while some malcontent pushes them into the water one by one?
Plus, I'm nauseous from the cigarette. I've never smoked one before.
When all else fails....stab Ann Coulter for good measure
Ok. Wait a minute. The Starbucks was floating? And did the man doing the pushing have a curly mustashe that he kept twirling?
This plays out like some sort of surealist painting come to life. I'd consult a dream analysist.