Something Wicca This Way Comes!

I got a chain letter today and while I normally avoid opening them – this one sneaked through my telepathetic defense mechanism.

I followed the mystical orders of the chain letter, as instructed. Some folks might not believe that was a sensible thing to do, but…umm…hello…is this the first time you’ve ever read this blog?

So -- I decided I needed to get my Wicca on, even though I understand the dangers of meddling with the dark arts, sorcery and magicks. You see, I didn’t want to exclusively rely on that chain letter in preventing future bad luck and since my feet were already wet (mystically speaking), I figured I might as well plunge on in to the dark, soothing waters of the arcane.

Truth be told, I decided that summoning supernatural powers would be a fun way to spend a Thursday evening. Remember, I quit driving, watching TV and my little bohemian getaway doesn’t have an internet connection. I have a lot more time on my hands these days. And casting spells seemed like more fun than washing dishes.

Imagine my surprise to find out that secrets of the dark arts are actually secret! Even rudimentary magick is nestled among thousands of pages of juvenile-inspired devotions to the ancient ways.

Every where I looked, all I found were whack-jobs selling trifling trinkets, ineffectual talismans and pentagram amulets with inset cubic zirconia diamelles. Tacky and tawdry rules the witchy realm, clearly.

Quality necromancy, I soon learned, is hard to find.

I did, however, stumble upon a very basic site with this beginner’s list of how to cast a spell:

Basic Ritual Structure:
-- Preparing the Altar.(Nothing too elaborate, just a few of your favorite tools).
-- Lighting the candles.
-- Cleansing the area.
-- Casting the circle.
-- Invoking the elements.
-- Invoking the Deities.
-- Stating the Purpose of the ritual.
-- Magickal workings or devotions.
-- Raising the Energy. Releasing the Energy.
-- Grounding.
-- Thanking the Deities.
-- Thanking the elements.
-- Closing(or sometimes called opening) the circle.
-- Cakes and ale

Cakes and ale? Is this what this whole business is about? Sweets and drinking?

What a rip!

I wanted zombies!

I wanted levitation!

I wanted to warp the fabric of time and space!

It seems to me, the Wiccas go about things like so many other religions do. They have their little rites and play honor to the things they believe in and then they turn around and eat lemon bars and drink punch afterwards, all content and smug that their goodly actions warrant a mild sugar buzz.

If I wanted to deal with witches like that, I’d have stuck to the Southern Baptist Church. Talk about a bunch of ladies who’ll give you the evil eye…