Good Day

If you read this blog - you probably have too much time on your hands. But thanks for stopping by, nevertheless. It is kind of flattering when random folks stop me at events, bars and parties and mention they read it.

If you've been keeping up lately, I've been a big ole heartbroken mess. A random e-mail in mid-March from a sexy, smart-ass fella clear across the country got me all hot and bothered and I jumped for it. And missed. And for all my talk about getting on and getting over it, well...that's been a big ole crock of bullshit.

Please feign some surprise. Thanks.

I've been harboring "false hopes" since I've returned from California. And last night's Dresden Doll's performance lit the fuse on the emotional dynamite I've been sitting on since I got back. Music was the way this fella won my heart, broadcasting playlists from me while we spent hours on the phone or on the instant messenger thingy that I didn't even use, until I installed just so we could chat. It was a way to connect with someone so far away. But the power of last night's show (coupled with some cheap booze on an empty stomach) literally lit the match that I needed to have lit. I needed to stop being sad and get mad. Mad that he wasn't calling like he used to, mad that I clearly burned for him much more than he burned for me, mad that he told me a gift I sent him was sweet but not necessary.

Not necessary?

Ohhhh......you can only imagine the neck jerking, the hollering, and the verbal tirade that ensued from being told that I was sweet but not necessary. This one and this one witnessed it -- and they deserve hazard pay for dealing with the thermonuclear meltdown I had yesterday.

Now there's just debris to pick up and throw away after going from bittersweet to psycho in just a few hours. Immature or inevitable....who knows?

The IM Buddy list has been edited. The phone has been cleared of phone numbers to prevent a future drunken dial. Credit card receipts are shredded and in the trash, along with plane tickets and a wrapper from a 100 Calorie Pack of Oreos. He liked them and I wanted to make sure I got the right kind for a "surprise care package" I planned to mail next week.

Yeah. I had it that damn bad that I kept cookie wrappers.

I'll keep the e-mails, too. They were so sweet and they're proof! Proof that I wasn't crazy for falling as hard as I did. But, with time....I know the words will lose their potency....but that'll be a while.

The one thing I cannot bare to get rid of is a gambling chip from the Miss Congeniality II premier. I've been keeping it in my pocket since he mailed it to me six weeks ago, when he told me I could "cash it in" when I got to L.A., when romance loomed large and promising in the horizon. It'll go in a box with a necklace, some photos and a mix tape from other lost loves.

I think it's good to keep at least one thing from an experience that has been as gut-wrenching as the past seven weeks have been for me.

It's always a gamble, honey. It just wasn't my time to win.

And that's it. Seriously. End of story. Thank God! Thanks for putting up with me.

This is the song that did me in. Go buy the CD and keep it handy for the next time you're crushed by a crush. It'll help. Word.

GOOD DAY

so you dont want to hear about my good song?
and you dont want to hear about how i am getting on
with all the things that i can get done
the sun is in the sky & i am by my lonesome
so you don't want to hear about my good day?
you have better things to do than to hear me say

god its been a lovely day! everything is going my way
i took out the trash today and i'm on fire...

so you don't want to hear about my good friends?
you dont have the guts to take the truth or consequence
success is in the eye of the beholder
and its looking even better over your cold shoulder

i'm not suggesting you up and line me up for questioning
but jesus think about the bridges you are burning
and i'm betting
that even though you knew it from the start
you'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart

so go ahead and talk about your bad day...
i want all the details of the pain and misery
that you are inflicting on the others
i consider them my sisters and i'd like their numbers

god its been a lovely day! everything is going my way
i took up croquet today and i'm on fire

i picked up the pieces of my broken ego
i have finally made my peace as far as you and me go
but i'd love to have you up to see the place
& i'd like to do more than survive i'd like to rub it in your face.....

hey! its been a lovely day! everything is going my way
i had so much fun today and i'm on fire
god it's been a lovely day everything's been going my way
ever since you went away hey i'm on fire.....
i'm on fire...
i'm on fire...
so you dont want to hear about my good day?

--copyright 2002 amanda palmer