Girls Gone Wild

Last night the phone rang while I was staring up at the ceiling thinking about how stupid I've been the past few weeks. Beating myself up for getting all crushed out on a fella clear across the country. I'm brutal on myself when I'm alone -- my pity party for one has clearly taken on extended cruise status.

Anyway...the phone rang...and a Los Angeles area code popped up on the Caller ID Display.

It was HIS area code - but I'm really bad at remembering phone numbers. I'd deleted his number from the phone last week in my latest salvo to get over my heartache and get on with life.

I freaked the fuck out, going from maudlin to manic in the space of one ring of the phone, since I don't know anyone else there. In the three seconds it took me to answer it the following thoughts raced through my mind:

Is it him?
It's gotta be him!
Why is he calling?
Why the fuck is he calling?
Maybe he wants to see how I'm doing?
What the fuck does he care how I'm doing?
This has gotta be him, right?
It is him!
God!
HE'S CALLING!!!!

I am very grateful that I spent five years developing a retail phone sales voice that's always chipper and that I've spent a decade developing a phone sex voice that's down-right nasty. I answered the phone sounding calm, with sultry, butch undertones.

Hello?

"Hi! I'm Greta with the Girls Gone Wild Video Club and I'm calling to see what you think of Girls Gone Wild....and just for talking with me today, we'll send you TWO hot Girls Gone Wild Video Club DVDs."

"...*cough*...well...ummm...honestly...I don't think about Girls Gone Wild all that much."

"May I ask why?"

"'Coz I'm GAY!!!! But if you have some Guys Gone Wild - I am in desperate need, honey!! You have NO idea."

"Oh, sir....I don't handle that.....but I'll be happy to take you off our calling list....Have a good night! Bye."

And she hung up.

And I laughed and I cried and I watched some porn. No need to go further with that -- but I went to sleep with the phone off the hook rather than on my pillow.

I guess that's progress.