Alien Nation

To be honest, I was just looking for free, hot, naked pictures of Vin Diesel when I noticed this very strange likeness that triggered some sort of repressed memory or sparked a synapse or brought me out of my semi-perpetual-pill-induced haze.

Hmmm…..curious…..I remember well when the Visitors arrived in 1983. We were all so worried about Nuclear War, but there was so much our friends from outer space could offer us and teach us, if we'd just get on board.

Too bad things turned out so badly – given they wanted to eat us and stuff.

So, being the intrepid non-journalist that I am (especially after not finding any naked pictures of Vin) I started using the exciting and brand new MSN Search to conduct my research -- far faster than Google (psst....that was a plug.....and I'll hyper-link it when I get the check from Sir Bill) and after about two minutes of in-depth research, I unearthed shocking evidence that contradicts my previous claim.

I now propose that while Blogs are so 1993

EVERYTHING IS SO 1983

Let me break it down:

COMPUTING

The internet was born in 1983:
TCP/IP and Domain Names were developed. Where was Al Gore?

And soon everyone would be able to access the Internets:
Compaq built the first fully-compatible IBM clone

Because computers mattered:
Time named the computer as "Man" of the Year for 1982

And were much easier to use:
Apple released Lisa, the first personal computer with a graphical user interface

Thus, you could easily and effortlessly waste hours reading shit like this that rather than doing real work!
Lotus 1-2-3 spreadsheet program debuted

POLITICS

“Regime Change” entered the vernacular:
U.S. and Caribbean cronies allies invaded freed Grenada

While inept investigations of government hit their stride:
Ollie North lied shredded forgot about, well, everything…..

The Media began spinning the bogus initiatives of an insane President:
Ronald Regan introduced American public to "Star Wars" in 1983

Instead of focusing on something that mattered:
HIV is discovered and by the end of the year the number of AIDS cases in the USA had risen to 3,064 and of these 1292 had died

Ma' Bell died, too:
AT&T was forced to break up and the 7 headed "baby bell" Hydra was born

And the FCC authorized the end of quiet moments to yourself!
Motorola began testing cellular phone service in Chicago

CULTURE

Women enjoyed firsts in space in 1983:
Sally K. Ride, 32, first U.S. woman astronaut, orbited the Earth in Challenger

And some lasts…..
Occupants of Interplanetary Craft called and Karen Carpenter answered, God Rest Her Soul

Soul-less X-Mas shoppers would break your arm to secure the last "must have gift" of the season:
Cabbage Patch Kids

For a hopped up (and soon to be fat) kid strung out on sugary juice drinks!!!!!!!!!!!
Ocean Spray introduced the very first "juice box" to America

Cultural shifts began when a Black man was recognized for his contributions:
Dr. Martin Luther King Day was created as a national holiday

While Black women were declared prettiest in the nation:
Vanessa Williams won the Miss America contest in 1983 before abdicating to another black woman, Suzette Charles. That also falls nicely into Irrelevant photographs damage lives and waste media coverage category (see inevitable Paris Hilton connection below)

Awards shows achieved a new level of faggotry:
Torch Song Trilogy won a Tony – as did everybody from Cats, including Abby from Eight is Enough

While a highly addictive drug began to fuck up lives:
"Crack" cocaine was developed in the Bahamas, and soon appeared in the United States

Only to have the Government respond with a stupid-ass solution:
"Just Say No" was by introduced to combat the dope smoking, pill popping, line snorting habits of millions of Americans

Meanwhile, everybody loved the pill popping, line snorting and binge drinking actors on:
Dallas & Dynasty

While real life heiress Paris Hilton made her first, desperate, furtive cries for love and attention:
Darling Little Nicky was born (no Prince analogy -- that was 1984)

Speaking of skanks, though:
Camcorders are introduced

As was the assassin of Vinyl:
Compact discs first hit the market

Writing about lesbians got an award:
Alice Walker won Pulitzer for Color Purple

But acting like one didn’t:
Cher lost for Silkwood, while Linda Hunt won for “acting” like a man

Looking like a man had benefits for:
Annie Lennox, who enjoyed Sweet Dreams after hitting the music charts for the first time

While looking like a woman had benefits for:
Boy George who Tumbled 4 Ya and scored big with tunes of his own

Still looking black had benefits for:
Michael Jackson who took home 7 Grammy Awards for Thriller

While wearing black bras benefited:
Madonna who released Madonna

And….oh fuck it….
There was so much music released that year, go here or here and come up with your own stuck-in-the-past puns:

Finally…..

Return of the Jedi hit theatres but The Earth Struck back:
The El Niño phenomenon was identified as a cause for disrupted global weather patterns

And M.A.S.H. finally fucking ended
Farewell and Amen

But look, everybody is talking about Alan Alda all over again!

It's a pattern, people, a cleverly woven thread of interconnectedness. And while the few unbroken threads on this tether keep me connected to "reality", I vow to keep exposing these critical and crucial elements of our history.

In the interests of full disclosure, I guess I should admit that I've....um....been a man since 1983, too. Events like that "embarrassing moment" with Michael Jefferson in the boys junior high locker-room are hard to forget, no matter how many pills you take.