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December 9, 2003
Temporary Setback
If you're lucky, you may never have to deal with depression...or addiction....or mental illness. You won't ever question yourself or your motives and you won't feel like you're losing your mind.
That is...if you're lucky.
I haven't seen luck much in the past month. Seems like the past 30 days have been a huge struggle for me. Sometimes I've lost my battle with depression and addiction, sometimes I've rallied and I've been pretty good.
Unfortunately, I never know anymore what the day is going to be like when I wake up each morning. Sometimes even waking up is a challenge.
I wish I could just say that a new round of therapy, a renewed commitment to any number of 12-step programs would mean that in a few hours, days, weeks, that I'd be okay...that I wouldn't be such a mess.
I wish I could say all that. But that would make me a liar.
And at the moment, the truth is the only thing that is keeping me teetering just this side of sanity. And the truth is that every day is a damn challenge.
Sometimes it really sucks. Like right now.....I am sitting here going through 72 plus hours without a cigarette. There are no words to describe what this craving is like. It's a bit different from other drugs.....nicotine isn't like speed, isn't like pot, isn't like amyl nitrate, isn't like caffeine.
It's so much quieter.
And all I can think about is what it would feel like to smoke that cigarette. What it would feel like to fill my lungs with toxic smoke. What pleasure I would feel as I actively engaged in killing myself, relishing each puff.
Isn't that fucked up?
That's the terribly perverse thing. I know it is harmful and toxic and bad for me. But I don't care. That's the way every addiction works. You just don't care anymore.....and re-learning how to care for yourself isn't easy.
I wish I could just remedy this whole sitaution with some Up-With-People platitude or by promising to be more active and engaged. I wish I could feel better by putting up a Christmas tree or going shopping or distracting myself.
But the fix isn't quite that easy.
So here I sit.....my mind is terribly numb and my spirit is plenty broken. But I haven't ingested anything stronger than coffee in four days.
And sadly enough, that feels like a victory.
That is...if you're lucky.
I haven't seen luck much in the past month. Seems like the past 30 days have been a huge struggle for me. Sometimes I've lost my battle with depression and addiction, sometimes I've rallied and I've been pretty good.
Unfortunately, I never know anymore what the day is going to be like when I wake up each morning. Sometimes even waking up is a challenge.
I wish I could just say that a new round of therapy, a renewed commitment to any number of 12-step programs would mean that in a few hours, days, weeks, that I'd be okay...that I wouldn't be such a mess.
I wish I could say all that. But that would make me a liar.
And at the moment, the truth is the only thing that is keeping me teetering just this side of sanity. And the truth is that every day is a damn challenge.
Sometimes it really sucks. Like right now.....I am sitting here going through 72 plus hours without a cigarette. There are no words to describe what this craving is like. It's a bit different from other drugs.....nicotine isn't like speed, isn't like pot, isn't like amyl nitrate, isn't like caffeine.
It's so much quieter.
And all I can think about is what it would feel like to smoke that cigarette. What it would feel like to fill my lungs with toxic smoke. What pleasure I would feel as I actively engaged in killing myself, relishing each puff.
Isn't that fucked up?
That's the terribly perverse thing. I know it is harmful and toxic and bad for me. But I don't care. That's the way every addiction works. You just don't care anymore.....and re-learning how to care for yourself isn't easy.
I wish I could just remedy this whole sitaution with some Up-With-People platitude or by promising to be more active and engaged. I wish I could feel better by putting up a Christmas tree or going shopping or distracting myself.
But the fix isn't quite that easy.
So here I sit.....my mind is terribly numb and my spirit is plenty broken. But I haven't ingested anything stronger than coffee in four days.
And sadly enough, that feels like a victory.
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